June 2, 2016 – Conflicted

I’m in one of the spaces where I don’t have any idea why I’d want to write honest things and publish them for the whole world to discover. Like, forever. Anyone at anytime can search my name and find out whatever I’ve been talking about. Why would I do that?

I think about having an alter ego, or stage name, or just another name all this is under so it doesn’t have to permanently be attached to me. I’ve always thought I’d have a pen name. A public persona, and a personal self I hold back for myself. I’ve even got one picked out.

I think about just quitting doing it at all. Not writing, but putting stuff out. Do I really want this to be searchable forever? Do I really want future employers looking through all my thoughts? What am I doing?

I’ve quieted these fears before with the idea that I want people to know the real me. I don’t want to pretend to be something they want or are looking for. I want people – employers, friends, whoever – to see the real and complete me. I don’t want to pretend to be one thing so I can get in the door. (Although – there is some sense to that too. Be the one thing they’re looking for and grow into the position of what doing/being what you actually are. I’ve used that technique before – start at the bottom, do the entry level whatever and get promoted up the ranks quickly. It’s the easiest way for me since I’m not very good at representing my actual skills & knowledge with confidence. I always think about what I don’t know or can’t do more than what I can or do.)

I’ve been thinking about this with grad school, too. The one I’m thinking I’ll apply to isn’t an exact match for what I’m looking for – at least not on paper. I think it would be great – but I’m worried in the application process that they’ll be looking for exact matches. If they’re going to choose 5 out of 400 applicants, why wouldn’t they choose the ones that obviously want exactly what they’re offering? Why would they admit one that thinks it would work just fine. They wouldn’t. I wouldn’t if I was them. Not unless I wanted to expand my program in the particular direction that person was really interested in. In which case I would hire someone, not bring on a grad student. So do I change what I want to make this dream work? Do I just alter what I say I want? Do I try saying what I really want and see how far that gets me, planning to reapply until I find the approach that gets me in? That’s manipulative. And it’s driven.

Blah. All that to say I’m conflicted and that’s why things are quiet. That and the long weekend we had was amazing and I am so unexcited about the kids having two more weeks of school. That weekend was a little too much of a tease and I’m feeling whiny about it.

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