I’m annoyed, people. Grumpy and annoyed and in a no good, terrible, very bad mood. I might be annoyed at my hubs because I want him to be more considerate of me. And I might be annoyed because I’ve dug myself into a do-all-the-things-that-put-me-in-a-bad-mood funk. The time I normally spend exercising is being dedicated to cleaning up our renters messes. I’m staying up later cause I’m drinking caffeine. I’m waking up tired so I’m eating carbs – a ton of cheese/bread (in as many variations as I can come up with) and any candy I can get my hands on. I’m binge watching Netflix.
Taken one at a time, these are okay. Sorta. I’ll know it makes me feel bad and I do it a little anyway. Taken all together, it’s a sure fire recipe to be annoyed with people and grumpy with the world. And want only more sugar, more Netflix, more cheese/bread.
I’m sick of hearing myself complain. Man it’s getting old. I feel like I write about that more than most things. Maybe I’ll add a complaints tag and go back and add to all the old posts and see how often it shows up.
Also, maybe a big also, I saw a quote recently –
Sooner murder an infant in its cradle than nurse unacted desires. – William Blake
This kinda hit me right between the eyes. I’m doing this with grad school. Grad school is my unacted desire. The more I look into it, the more I research and hone in on all the amazing possibilities that I would absolutely love, the more it seems unattainable. The timing is wrong, the requirements for admission will take several years to work up to, the dedication required seems impossible with the way I want to interact with my family…it feels a little like it will never happen. Like I won’t be able to get in. Or if it did, it would come at a pretty big sacrifice on everyone else’s part. It’d be like I was working full time hours, but not bringing anything home to show for it. No contributing to the finances…just indulging my own educational desires for a few years. It feels like more than I can ask for.
I’m not sure what gives me that idea, quite honestly. My hubs is completely supportive. Like ridiculously supportive. He’s also super strategic, so sometimes being supportive looks like “Yes! Do this! But wait a bit…?” He’s the reason our bank account has anything more than zero dollars in it.
And yet there’s still a big part of me that feels like I can’t ask for things. Like I can’t want people to rearrange for me, that I can’t be the one people are sacrificing for. I can’t be the taker, I’m the one that makes everything work for everyone else. *Sigh*
I don’t have any answers. But the beauty here is that I don’t need to come up with answers, I get a chance to figure out the real problem. Sometimes that’s enough.