April 21, 2016

I’ve got nothing today. It’s Thursday again and I’m tired again. Ready to spend the rest of the day on the couch under a blanket catching up on my shows/movies I’ve been meaning to watch.

I’m showing up and writing filler. Words with no real meaning or interest, because I never committed to writing meaningful or interesting things. I committed to showing up, writing and hitting publish. Every stinkin’ day. Which has evolved to every stinkin’ weekday. But still.

It feels a little silly on days like today when there’s really nothing coming to mind. But who cares. It’s not about the feeling, it’s about showing up every time so when there is something to say I’m ready to catch it on paper. Or on keyboard I guess.

So. Stream of consciousness – go:

My youngest son and I went to the zoo this morning. It’s easy with all my interests and personal plans for these days of just him and me at home to be filled with everydayness like chores and errands. It’s a little embarrassing how infrequently he and I go places I used to take the older kids all the time. Places like the zoo, or museums, or even the park. There doesn’t seem to be enough hours in the day to fit those things in. Or days in the week.

That’s stupid. I know that’s stupid.

I hate when people say stuff like that. It’s not true. Not even close. I have plenty of time, I’m  just using it on different things. I’m choosing other things over the zoo or park. I’m choosing grocery shopping (even when I don’t really *have* to) or reading more of whatever book I’m into. Or cleaning the house. Or watching tv. There are plenty of hours in the day. And you (I) get to choose what to do with them everyday. Somedays I choose kiddo things and some days I choose me things and some days I choose both. Or neither.

It doesn’t actually matter, so long as I don’t pretend I didn’t make the choice my own self. I don’t know about everyone else’s lives, but I know that in mine, I actually have plenty of time. What I need isn’t more time, it’s to acknowledge that I’m making decisions. And if I don’t like the outcome, I need to change the decision.

Today we changed the decision and visited the elephants and giraffes. And now we’re tired. The zoo is exhausting. My fitbit told me I surpassed my days’ goal by noon. I just want to sit around for the rest of the day. Pretend it’s Friday night and the weekend is beginning. Man, that sounds nice.

Problem is, I’m not letting myself.

Do you ever think about yourself in a segmented kind of way? I sometimes do, especially in terms of time. I think of my current self and my future self. They frequently want different things. Some of my long term goals (like completing a triathlon) are things my current self has no interest in, but my future self really wants to be able to look back on and be glad she has it in her past.

My current self tends to make decisions based on comfort. My future self is all about goals and aspirations and she’s just a little in denial about her identity because she seems to spend all her time looking backward. She’s the last runner in a relay, eager for her turn, waiting for the baton to be put in her hand. It’s taking longer than she expected and she’s looking back urging my current self forward.

She does a lot of wondering if my current self is ever gonna get with the program and do what needs to be done to pave the way for her. She’s learned to be incredibly patient, but she wishes my current self would think about the future just a bit more. She wishes I’d make decisions that would delay and expand my own gratification. She wishes that I’d make decisions that allowed me to enjoy the present more than I do.

Sometimes my current self can practically read her thoughts. For instance, right now I’m absolutely certain that my future self wants me to be getting on the elliptical. My current self is grumbling about sore legs and tired eyes, but my future self doesn’t care. At all.

“Sore legs and tired eyes are what the future is built on!” she thinks.

It’s true. I’ve never achieved any goal by doing what makes me comfortable in the moment.* As hard as I’ve tried. But man, it’s not any fun in the current moment.

Damnit.

(*Sleeping is the one exception I think. Sleep always makes more comfortable and I’m in love with it and it can do no wrong.)

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