You guys. Uggh. YOUGUYS.

Yesterday I wrote that post about fear and…what? Ways to deal with it maybe? I was feeling pretty great about it until about 4pm when I was suddenly hit with the realization that now I’m going to have to do something scary. Something I’m afraid of. You can’t write crap like that and then sit around complacently. Now I have to actually challenge my fear.

Crap. Crapcrapcrapcrap. Craaaaaaaap.

My heart started pounding ridiculously hard thinking about it.

I knew immediately what it is I have to do, too. Actually, honestly, I feel a little set up. I’m beginning to think I actually set myself up and I gotta say –  I’m not exactly happy about it.

Uggh.

Alright. Here’s the story. It’s going to take a little bit of background.

I have this goal, this understanding of what I’ll be doing later in life. It involves speaking. Like to an audience.  I’ve had this understanding since I was in college. (That was close to 20 years ago for those of you keeping track). It’s always been a someday thing because in my mind, (1) I haven’t learned whatever it is I’m gonna speak about yet and (2) I’m sort of hiding a bit behind my stay at home mom job. They really need me around here. I don’t think I have the time quite yet to work on this.

So. I’m comfortable taking small steps toward that goal. Sort of getting ready steps. I’ve got a series of topics outlined on the whiteboard on my wall. See that yellow column there? (I’m actually nervous to show this picture to you…curious.) It’s something I want and something I’m willing to work toward. Slowly.

One of my favorite Make Something Happen tips that I learned is to pretend you’ve already accomplished your goal and look back at how you got there. What did you do? How did you get to the place you are now?

When I do that, it’s obvious to me that I need lots of tiny talks. Not tiny in length, but tiny in people listening. It’s instantly clear that my path to that place of success (aka goal accomplished zone) is paved with lots of attempts at which not very many people listened or came or cared. And that over time I figure out how to pitch things better, I develop interest, and slowly it works. It’s clear it’s a slow process and that practice, lots of practice is the way to succeed. I’m good with that.

Recently I heard a guy talking about his own life’s path (he’s a 60?-something writer, speaker, thinker) and there was a point a long time ago where he moved to a new city where no one knew him and he had to start from scratch on developing his audience. He had been speaking to crowds, and now in this new place, there was no one. So he started going to libraries and giving his lectures for the two or three people that showed up.

I’m pretty sure that’s a step I could and probably even should take. We’ve got a local library where people do stuff like that and two or three people show up.

Crap.

I hear the guy tell it and sounds like a good story. I think about doing it myself and it sounds freaking awful. 2 or 3 people???? Really? I’m pretty sure I’d feel embarrassed that no one came. I’m already embarrassed no one came.

This does not sound like the way I’d like to proceed. It sounds like the way I did proceed, and now I’m done with. I like it in my (pretend) past – I do NOT like it in my future.

So I haven’t done it. I’ve thought about it, thought about how you go about setting it up, and I leave it to the future. Now is not a good time. Soon it will be a good time. Seriously. Probably.

That’s the background.

On Saturday I saw a quote from Brene Brown where she talked about being pretty sure that people write or talk about whatever it is they need to work on.

On Sunday my husband saw my whiteboard and asked about it – “So you want to give talks?” Apparently I hadn’t really ever mentioned it. I sort of blew the question off.

On Monday morning I publish a post about fear and using it.

On Monday afternoon I get the crap scared out of me when I realize I was writing to myself.

 

Let me just write this out again. First, I hear the story about the guy giving his talks in libraries. Second, I very comfortably start thinking about talks in the distant future. And then I sort of forget about it. There’s a lot going on right now and I just shove that to the side. Third, I read the Brene Brown reference about writing about what you need to work on. Think nothing of it. Fourth, my husband brings it back to mind. I shove it aside again.  Fifth, I wake up Monday with not much in my brain and pull out a half finished essay from three or four months ago and work it up for the daily post. It happens to be on fear. I publish and walk away. Sixth – I realize I’ve been ignoring my own fears. Alarm bells go off and I realize I’m going to be forced to actually do something.

I totally set myself up.

Uggh.

And then I went back and reread it (maybe I don’t have to actually do anything right now?) and realized that I also failed to remember to fix the formatting issues my blog template insists upon giving me the first time through. It’s like a random bold sentences feature. You remember that cell phone service commercial from forever ago where they were sarcastically talking about if your phone also had that “random hangup feature”? My blog has a “random bold sentences” feature. And a “let’s not change the color on the hyperlinks” feature. This template seems to think it’s more fun if you’re never sure if there’s a hyperlink or not. Usually I fix these things before publishing, but I forgot yesterday. Oops. It’s fixed now. There are hyperlinks to the videos I was talking about.

So ugggh. Not only have I now forced myself to take action on something I don’t really want to take action on, I also published that “forcing” lamely. At least if it was going to make me do something I don’t want to do, it could come out looking like it’s supposed to?

And now I suppose I better keep you posted so I actually do it. Crapcrapcrap. I don’t think I’m going to write about fear anymore.