March 22, 2016 (permission)

Oh my word you guys. I have just learned so much.

I started off this morning writing about how I want permission for all sorts of things in life.

Sometimes that permission looks like an admission letter to a university. Sometimes it looks like someone paying me for my work. Sometimes it’s a friend being a partner in crime. Sometimes it’s an okay from the secretary at my kids school (she.is.in.charge.) to do something out of the norm. Sometimes it’s an illness that allows me to lounge around all day.

As I was typing pages and pages of this stuff this morning, I remembered and realized so dang much. Some people say they think out loud, learning what they think as they speak. I seem to fall into the thinking via keyboard group. I’m not sure what I actually think until I type it out, move that down to type something different, edit it and then realize oh my word no, it’s this.

Some of what I learned validates my permission wanting self, and some of it makes me feel like it’s time to grow the heck up. Case in point:

I want permission so I can have someone else to blame. I don’t want to be responsible when something goes south. Or if someone doesn’t like the way it’s going. I don’t want it to be my fault and I sure as heck don’t want anyone mad at me. I want someone to blame! Sheesh! Am I in 2nd grade???

Some of it is a little less elementary school. I want permission because it means that I have support. It means that when it get’s rough someone’s backing me up. We agree, we’re on the same side. I’m not on my own here. Back up is important and I need it.

And some of it leads to a more adult conclusion. I want permission because it’s validating. Someone else thinks I’m good at something. I love knowing that. It’s a good, good feeling, and it makes me want to stick with doing the stuff that others will validate. And yet, that would make me a validation whore. That just sounds horrible.

And some seems acceptable. I want permission because (as everyone else in the world) I crave connection. Permission means that someone else is in the same boat, or on a journey like mine or has come out the other side and they’re saying it’s okay to go ahead.

I want permission because it means that I’m not crazy. It means I’m not seeing some crazy weird version of things that no one else in the world is seeing. It means I’m not alone.

In summary it seems apparent that while some of my permission desire is fine, for the most part I’m still a little needy in the “wants some big, wise person to be in responsible” department. I don’t love that description of myself. So I’m going to try something. I’m going to embody my older, wiser, more mature self from the future and give my current self permission to make my own decisions. And also, because that’s a little scary, permission to tap into my older, wiser future self whenever the need arises.

Permission granted.

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